classical music for dummies

“Classical music isn't a secret society unless we allow it to be.”

—Brigid Delaney, The Guardian, Oct. 16, 2015

CLASSICAL MUSIC FOR DUMMIES

Attending a classical concert or an opera can be an intimidating prospect for newer patrons, but not to worry--on any given night there is a wealth of knowledge and guidance to be gleaned from the more experienced audience members surrounding you. The following are tips and tricks gathered at symphony halls and opera houses across the country.

Don't let something as simple as a cold deter you from attending a performance. You paid for your ticket and are entitled to attend in any state of medical indisposition. Coughing is encouraged, and you will soon note that many others in the audience will join you in solidarity. Nobody minds! However, if you do prefer to use cough drops for the sake of your own comfort, please follow proper etiquette and bring lozenges wrapped individually in crisp plastic. Store them at the bottom of a purse or satchel with a large Velcro closure. Reseal the Velcro firmly every time you retrieve a lozenge, so that when you need another one later on it will be sure still to be there.

Going to the opera or symphony may sound fancy, but really it is no different from watching DVDs on your couch in the living room. Bring a bag of crunchy snacks and a bottle of sparkling water or soda, if you'd like! Just be sure to open these items as slowly as possible, as you will find this helps to mute any noises produced. If someone rudely asks you to be quiet, tradition dictates that you may intentionally chew more dramatically and rustle your snack bag more vigorously. If you bring a metal canteen with water, don't neglect to add ice cubes.

There is plenty of legroom in the rows of seats in most concert and opera houses, so do not be afraid to bring along a large tote bag or backpack. It can sit at your feet and won't bother anyone. It's also a convenient way to transport your snacks!

It is unnecessary for you to have to miss any incoming phone calls or text messages. Under no circumstances should you feel obligated to turn off your phone or mute its ringtone. Your personal communications are more important than any musical performance, and the artists recognize and appreciate that. You are also encouraged to take photos (a flash is advisable), and naturally you may check your email during longer works of ten minutes or more.  

If you are enjoying the music, some "air conducting" and humming along would not be amiss. You may also bob your head or use your entire leg to keep time. It is important that nearby patrons understand how much you appreciate the music, and this is a great way of showing them.

It is likewise important to impress on your neighbors your command of grammatical gender and number in Italian. Shout “bravo,” “brava,” “bravi,” or “brave,” depending on need. Shout these words confidently and smugly, with exaggerated articulation, so that your linguistic prowess may be fully recognized. There is no need to wait for the end of a piece; a slight pause in the music suffices. Musicians have famously large egos, and they especially enjoy shouts of “bravo” and its variants while they are still in the middle of their work.

At the opera, overtures and other purely instrumental sections are considered unimportant; feel free to use these intervals as a chance to chat with your neighbor.

Don't bother to read the synopsis if you are attending an opera with someone who knows the story, since your friend can easily keep you apprised throughout. Request that he or she communicate using a stage whisper, so that the sound will travel quietly yet effectively. This type of opera aficionado can also be a terrific source of valuable ongoing color commentary, such as "That was a long scene," "It's about love and betrayal," or "This singer is from Poland.” 

If you don't have a knowledgable friend to take with you to the opera, you may want to consider using the flashlight feature on your cell phone to assist in reading the synopsis during the performance. The same naturally goes for program notes at the symphony. There is no need to waste your time reading anything before the performance or at intermission.

Your opinion matters! For example, you can and should shout “AWFUL!” at the conclusion of any piece written after 1935. At the opera, onstage abominations such as modern dress or projected images should be met immediately with muttered derision. It is well known that understanding an opera is difficult enough without having to watch it being performed by people who are not wearing hoop skirts.

Napping is expected and encouraged.