Seattle half marathon

I would like to send an open letter to all the people who register for the Seattle Half Marathon Walk and then RUN during it, and it would go a little something like this:

Dear Assholes,
One of the cool things about the Seattle marathon and half marathon is that they have different registrations and different start times for walkers and runners. In theory this should mean that a walker could compare her results against other walkers only, rather than have her results blended in with everyone else's. But then there are you people, you people who can't just register for the half marathon run for chrissake, and who totally cheat and run for part or all of the walkers' event. And then the real race walkers, such as myself, are screwed. So you can all blow me, you cheating sacks of crap.
Love,
Karen

That having been said, I finished in 2:44 (which translates to 4.8 mph) and a maximum of four WALKERS finished ahead of me, and possibly only three, which means that I finished either 4th or 5th among the WALKERS as opposed to the "walkers."

The Seattle course is lovely and the weather was fantastic--crisp and dry (unlike last year, when it snowed and everyone was miserable, or so I am told).

Also, I have decided that 13.1 miles is the perfect distance. Just long enough to be a bit challenging, but not so crazy long that you need a day or three to fully recover.

EDITED TO ADD:

Unofficial results indicate that even with the Cheaty McCheaters factored in, I seem to have come in 28th among about 1600 participants.

apartmental case

OMG, I just made an offer on this apartment. (The middle front unit, 2 br/1 ba.) Near Alamo Square. Hold me.

UPDATED TO ADD: I got it! Whoohoo!

greatest children's toy in the history of the world

The annual Diwali holiday ended about 5 days ago. Diwali is known as the "festival of lights," which is not so much a reference to peaceful, gently glowing oil lamps or candles (or to Hanukkah), but more to gaudy, multi-colored, dubiously wired decorative flashing mini lightbulbs and, most importantly, cheap and abundant fireworks that go off day and night for five days straight. And when I say "day and night," I mean literally sometimes starting at 6:45 a.m. and ending at 1:00 a.m. And not at some distant public park, I mean right outside your window for chrissake.

One good thing about the incessant fireworks is that they provide acid-flashback style enjoyment when paired with Robin's fabulous snowman hologram glasses. For those unfortunate enough never to have experienced these novelty optics, basically they are like 3-D specs you get in a box of cracker jacks, except instead of making things 3-D they make any bright point of light into a little snowman. We managed to capture this on digital "film":



Now imagine that, except on the fourth of July when you're seeing triple. We could hardly keep ourselves from wrenching the glasses off each other's faces during some of the more active fireworks displays.

Another benefit of the week-long pyrotechnics was the additional smoke and trash generated by the festivities. When Mumbaikers tell you that Diwali is problematic on account of its worsening the air quality so much, you know you're in for some carcinoriffic, cleansing breaths of delight. This is a city, after all, where half the year the current weather conditions are already described simply as "Smoke." If you could take a deep breath in the first place, you'd realize that this smells like trouble.

Also, the fire safety guidelines in India...aren't. All week we saw happy 4-year-olds brandishing Roman candles and the like right in front of our building and sometimes even in the lobby. People were launching rockets from the parking lots of various surrounding buildings. One night some embers landed in the foliage of our (22nd story) window ledge. Every morning the streets would be filled anew with firecracker-related detritus. This seemed a nuisance until the day when Robin and Alex discovered the following piece of discarded packaging:



I don't even know where to begin with the sheer excellence of this artifact. Perhaps with the pensive, chubby-cheeked two-year-old who seems to be thinking, "Hmmm, what haven't I blown up yet today? I know! My own head!" Or maybe the fiery flushing toilet bowl of glittery flames? Or the non sequiturial squirrel logo? The cautionary instructions, which I repeat here for the reader's convenience?

WARNING. FLAMMABLE. EMITS SHOWERS OF SPARKS AND REVOLVE ON THE GROUND. (...) LIGHT MOUTH WITH SPARKLER AND GET AWAY. USE ONLY UNDER ADULT SUPERVISION. FOR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

Whew, thank goodness those toddlers have such clear instructions, written in a language they most likely don't even speak. And in case you are craving more information about this quality product, feel free to visit their website, www.anilgroup.com. You will get a server error.

you don't say

It is probably time for an update on the latest running jokes at the Swingin' Linguist Pad. We discussed the expression "do the needful" the other day; here are some other linguistic divertissements:

1. For some reason I do not recall, even though it only happened last night, we have decided henceforth to refer to Ganesh as "Knish." I lobbied to go all the way and just refer to him as "Rugelach," but Alex argued that you could never expect to actually slip that by anyone without them noticing, even if they were very, very drunk. So, Knish it shall be. Which is nice because it sounds like Krrish, I guess. Hey, wait, what's that in Ganesh's left hand?! I think we can all guess. (Hint: it rhymes with gefilte fish.)

2. Just now as I was writing #1, I realized that if we are going to call Ganesh "Knish," we need to start calling Hanuman "Hamantasch." Alex and Robin approve.

3. On account of a particularly ridiculous musical number in Dhoom II, we no longer say "Excuse me?" but rather "Excuse me to please?" (Usually when what we really mean is "WTF?")

4. Here the way you write "three hundred rupees" is "Rs 300." The fun part is that they also say it in that order. Things don't cost three hundred rupees, they cost rupees three hundred. So Robin has got us all saying it the local way, as well as asking not "How many rupees?" but rather "Rupees how many?" You know, to be consistent and all.

5. I bet you didn't realize that all your life, the thing you have been referring to as a "grilled cheese sandwich" was actually a "cheese grilled sandwich." Really, it is. Look on any menu.


6. Damn, I just realized we'd better start calling Laxmi "Latke."

finery

Robin found this informative list in the local paper today:



OK.

A. The fine for defecating is only half what it is for urinating.

ii. Spitting, apparently, also is twice as bad as defecating, fine-wise.

3. If your dog shits on the street, it will cost you 5x what it does if you shit on the street.

IV. What if someone takes a dump on the hood of your car (fine: Rs 100) and you, reasonably, wash it off (fine: Rs 1000)?

e. Parking while sweeping?? What the?