encyclopedia of indian proverbs

Proverbs of Haiko Supermarket

Of a truth many shelves shall be desolate, without inhabitant.

Sales clerks are fruitful, and multiply, and creepeth amongst the aisles offering unbidden assistance in the purchase of simple wares, but woe to him that desires a hurried checkout, for shoppers shall be placed alone in the midst of unmanned registers.

For every item upon the shelves shall have a bar code, and no bar code shall be refused its scan, not even when thou buyest fourteen of the exact same item.

Woe unto him that expecteth unsweetened vanilla Almond Breeze to still be there next week.

Let your moderation be known unto all men. He that desires a reliable supply of broccoli or mushrooms is but greedy and foolish.

Are not two bags of dried chickpeas sold for a farthing? Yet good luck unto him who wishes to purchase canned beans.

For every receipt shall be viewed with hatred, and not allowed to pass through the gates to freedom, before it is sanctified by the word DELIVERED impressed upon it in blue ink, for to do otherwise would be to upset nature's order.

What shall a man give in exchange for a reasonably priced box of soy milk?


Proverbs of the apartment

The water of the faucets drips as honey, and its temperature is cooler than ice; But in the end it is as bitter as wormwood, and you'd better remember your antibiotics.

Thus saith the Lord of hosts, Build ye houses, and dwell in them, but do not expect the electricity to work.

Happy the man who finds wisdom, the man who gains understanding, the man who can get the hot water to last more than 45 seconds!

Who payeth for an internet connection, yet eateth not the fruit thereof? I have news for thee: get used to it.

For yourselves know perfectly that the day of the Lord so cometh as a thief in the night, not unlike the occasional large cockroach.


Proverbs of life in general

A righteous man regardeth the life of his beast, and yet the sacred cattle shall be seen to eat the garbage of the sewers.

Woe be unto them that wish to cross the street unharmed, for the tender mercies of the drivers are cruel. Shun it, cross it not, turn aside from it and pass on.

How long shall the land mourn, and the herbs of every field wither, for the wickedness of them that defecate right there along the side of the road?

He that ploweth should plow in hope, and after that should find a different path than to walk his wooden cart amidst the thoroughfares, for I need to get home to watch Nigella for fuck's sake.

Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss, and also because the answer in India is always No.

And he said also to the people, When ye see a cloud rise out of the west, straightway ye say, There cometh some seriously nasty air pollution.

Consider the elephants of the field. And yet I say unto you, then why the hell are they wandering in traffic?

Woe to him that coveteth an evil covetousness of paneer tikka to his house, for him the Lord shall smite with ten extra pounds before he even knows what hit him.

They that trust in their wealth, and boast themselves in the multitude of their riches, will still have to drive through slums to get anywhere.

For it is the blood that maketh an atonement for the soul, and also that which congeals underneath a dead chicken covered in flies that can be yours for rupees 40 only.

For the Lord will be your confidence, and will keep your foot from the snare; but still you must watch where you step, for reasons I prefer not to describe in detail just now.

Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, unless it's that adorable elephant god with the extra arms.

How beautiful are the feet of them that preach the gospel of peace, and bring glad tidings of good things! The feet of the rickshaw drivers...not so much.